Woe Is My G4

My iBook G4 is dying.

It's lithium-ion battery can barely hold a charge, leaving just 45 minutes of life after I unplug it's roughed-up AC adapter. Too many times have I found myself typing out an important email only to have my screen flicker, the hard drive seize up and a once-long email dwindled back down to this... a blinking cursor.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

The LCD screen is covered in finger oils and smudges, food crumbs and hair. The screensaver must activate some sort of high-powered, sonic-ion-power-core-radium-infused, ultra-powerful Swiffer Sweeper dust magnet, for the screen never stays clean. And there's a dead pixel, too! Near the bottom, about three inches in from the left... a single dead pixel.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

I'm kidding. Emo kids need to die.

I could keep going, if you wanted me to. I could tell you about the worn keyboard with the sound buttons that don't always work right, or the trackpad that has lost it's traction. I would probably also tell you about how my computer changes it's date and time to December 31st, 1969 every time it is restarted or turned on, or the occasional hardware glitches, sure to be a direct consequence of playing along with David Letterman's "Will It Float?" segments.

But no, I won't bore you with the horror-slash-comedy that is the life of my computer. I won't mention the DVD burner, which takes a month and two days to burn a full DVD of data, or how my Trash won't empty, leaving porn files and music folders eternally soulbound to my bitchy G4. My LCD screen is barely brighter than the FIRST Game Boy Advance, my USB ports are bipolar, and I think I smell burning hair and oatmeal coming from my speaker holes.

I think it's time to get a new one.